Vicarious Love: "I Love My Friends"

The third type of love can be termed ‘Vicarious Love’. Vicarious means to enter into the experience of another. We use this term to describe love between friends. Vicarious Love is companionship taken to a deeper level, based on mutual interests. "I love my best friend. We always have a good time hanging together," is an example of that love.

Aristotle is credited with introducing this concept to early Greek society as “philia” which means brotherly love. It is the root of a term used to name the Pennsylvania metropolis of Philadelphia, sometimes referred to as the “city of brotherly love and sisterly affection.”

It is the primary role of friends to engage in activities together, to share commonalities. Friends relate to each other's feelings and enter into each other’s joys and pains. Vicarious Love is founded in similar interests. For example, two guys who are from Chicago and are both interested in sports, women, and hip-hop music may find it easy to be friends because of the things they have in common. The relationship is based upon their shared interests. However, when those interests change, the relationship may follow.

Vicarious Love is conditional. This love is a love that says, "I love you if…” “I love you if…you continue to be friendly and have some things in common with me." In other words, conditions determine the relationship. Maybe you’ve experienced having childhood friends that are now, barely acquaintances. As distance and growth brought about changes in your lives, the relationship changed, also.

In the case of the two Chicagoans, assume that one ends up married in St. Louis, is still interested in sports, but now prefers jazz music and family time. The other, now a resident of Seattle, traded in following sports for motorcycling, is single, and enjoys dancing to Salsa and Merengue music as a result of his recent excursions to Brazil, Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic. Under such circumstances, it is likely that the two friends will have drifted apart.

Vicarious Love can cause those in the relationship to have a strong influence on each other. Since friendships are based on mutual interests and shared experiences, the types of experiences individuals share can be either beneficial or harmful. Whatever two people do together can cause positive or negative habits as well as outcomes. There is some merit in the belief that an individual can be defined by the company he or she keeps. Bad company can corrupt good character.

Positive friends are contagious; they can make a person better. To evaluate their own relationship orientation, men and women should ask themselves these questions: What kind of relationships are my closest friends in? Do I make friends easiest with people who are happily married, preparing to be married, or have dating problems? Do I get along best with those who complain or who are satisfied, whether single or part of a couple? The importance of choosing friends wisely is captured in the saying, “Show me your friends, I’ll show you your future.”

Select close friendships carefully; your relationship future may depend on it. Vicarious Love is foundational for romance because of its emphasis on friendship. Being friends first strengthens relationships. The greatest romantic relationships begin as great friendships.